All you could ever be
Now and again I see myself in the same position: stuck. As if I'm slowly watching life pass by. I've been feeling like this for so long now that it's starting to turn into a routine. I see myself there, feel bad, think about changing, nothing happens, repeat.
A song by Milton Nascimento comes in my mind every time this happens. Roughly translating to english, the first verse says: "with sun and rain, you dreamed. (You) wanted to be better after, (you) wanted to be the greatest hero of the highways. All you wanted to be."
This song evoques to me a sense of potential. Unfortunately, most of the time it's a sense of lost potential. Theres a myriad of thing I want to do, but when I look at myself (and this has been happening for 6 years now) I see the same guy in front of a computer wondering how his life could be.
Then something happens. It can be anything, a chat with someone, and advertisement, another song, a class I'm taking, literally anything. I'm stuck with a feeling of "I've got it". Kinda like Woody Woodpecker. Then I start to think about how I'm going to do all the stuff I'm dreaming about. I think to myself: "I just gotta get home, I'll read that book, play that game, learn that thing". Deep down, and time assures it, I know that I won't.
Then there's the "I've gotta do something about this" phase. Here I read articles, blogs or watch youtube videos about how to get out of this loop. The answer is always simple: just do it. But why can't I just do it?
There's a brazilian expression: vergonha na cara (shame on your face). It's used to call out people when they lack something, be it respect towards others, will power or common sense. Every time I feel like I just lack vergonha na cara.
I'm certain that there's a missing piece. Something that, when I find it, everything else in my life will click together. I'll keep looking for it in the mean time.